The Community Garden Collective

Mad Mapping Relationships: A Guide to Emotional Safety with Yourself & Others

Sunflower Field

Introduction

Hello world! My name is Florence, and I am a gender-based violence counsellor at a youth mental health non-profit. I work specifically with queer and/or racialized youth, and as a queer, racialized person myself, I've noticed patterns among my communities that might benefit from further examination.

First, Love in a Fcked Up World by Dean Spade is my main source of inspiration for this resource. Without replicating his incredible work in exploring the romance myth and the struggle to live by our values in relationships, I hope to combine aspects of his work with the concept of Mad Mapping, developed by The Fireweed Collective. I am particularly interested in exploring the patterns we learn in survival, and how those patterns show up where we least expect. In Love in a Fcked Up World, Spade encourages Mad Mapping intense relationships around romantic relationships and sex, and further provides examples of a mad map around jealousy. I encourage picking up this fantastic book for yourself to help guide/grow exploration on this subject.

This is how the Fireweed Collective explained Mad Maps: "Mad Maps are wellness tools where you can articulate your desires and dreams — the things you care the most about that help you define your life. By creating and sharing your mad maps, you make it easier for the people around you to provide what you really need to feel better and to help navigate rough times. With Mad Maps, you record the lessons you’ve learned during hard life experiences, so that with the help of others, you can avoid making the same harmful mistakes again. You can think of Mad Maps as letters to your future self and the ones who care about you."

My goal here is to create a guided Mad Map exercise that can break down some of the concepts in Spade's work while specifically doing so through a queer and racialized lens. Ultimately, I'd like to create a tool that can help individuals identify individual, cultural, and oppressive patterns that get in the way of breaking free from harmful relationship cycles. "If you already know some of the patterns you repeat, you can work on a mad map now that will support you when you find yourself in the storm of those feelings," Spade explains. In essence, I am combining the questions offered by both Spade and The Fireweed Collective, and for those of us wrapped up in the patterns we inherited from our ancestors, find ways of seeking support that align with our values.

Table of Contents

Version Updates

How to use this tool

Questions (scroll to the bottom of the page to see a summary of all questions)

Additional Resources

Version Updates

Like all things, this is a living project that I hope to improve and refine as I continue learning and growing. I hope to be able to use this space to track and reflect on changes over time.

May 12, 2026:

May 13, 2026: Post discussion of draft with colleagues

May 19, 2026:

How to use this tool

This tool is design with both the individual and the practitioner in mind. As an individual, it is recommended that these exercises are completed while at baseline (whatever that looks like for you), and that you take breaks whenever the feeling comes up. It will ask you to dig into difficult topics, so make sure you can identify the supports available and accessible to you.

Mad Mapping starts with a series of questions that I will divide into sections with some explanations on why those sections were chosen. Each question will be accompanied by examples you can adapt or ignore as it feels right to you.

Afterwards, Fireweed Collective encourages turning it into art: "think about how you would like to represent your answers: lists, drawings, a vision board, a wall dedicated to mapping, photo maps, a journal, or an essay all are ways community members have used to showcase their map. You can choose the one that best suits your style, or even mix and match."

For additional structure and guidance, here are 3 ways to use this tool. I've included example scenarios as well! If you have any questions or constructive feedback, feel free to write to me at florenceng@protonmail.com.

Questions

Section 1: Cultural Scripts

All of us live in a culture, whether it is the culture of our ancestors or our oppressors. Often, the worlds we inhabit embody both, fluctuating between as we make and remake ourselves in order to live "authentically" as ourselves. For many, authenticity doesn't come easy. In this section, we try to identify which scripts have shaped or governed our lives, and how well those scripts align with who we are.

What are the expectations that you've heard about/internalized since you were young?

In what ways do these expectations show up in your life?

How does failing to meet expectations affect how you feel?

How does failing to meet expectations affect your behaviour?

Section 2: Relational Scripts

Relationships are a big part of every culture, but when we live in the West, we are often expected to conform to a singular set of rules. Unfortunately, everyone seemed to have received a different version of the rules, which can create a lot of internal and external conflict. Even among homogenous societies, every family has taught different lessons around love, both romantic and platonic. In this section, we try to identify which scripts have shaped or governed the way we build relationships, what we expect out of them, and how we manage conflict around them.

How do cultural scripts affect the way you perceive yourself in relation to others?

What do you expect from others when you enter/sustain a relationship with them?

How do you cope when conflict occurs between you and your important relationships?

How do you want support from your closest relationships while in conflict?

Section 3: Self-Policing Scripts

As the old RuPaul saying goes, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" This, of course, flattens the more complicated layers of the self. I've also heard it said that trauma can look a lot like personality, and given the number of scripts that make up such a large part of our lives, it's important to interrogate our understanding of our own selves. In this section, we try to understand our own emotional responses and to identify how this might get in the way of relationship-building.

When you were a child, what did big emotions look like for you? What were the reactions to your big emotions?

As an adult, what have you noticed about your relationship to big emotions/overwhelm?

What are your coping strategies for big, uncomfortable feelings that you enjoy? What are coping strategies that you don't like or associate with difficult emotions such as guilt/shame?

What does it look like to return to a safe space/equilibrium/emotional safety?

What has made you feel safe in the past?

How can loved ones respond/help while you are coping?

Section 4: Self-Compassionate Re-scripting

Given the importance of relationships and the power of these scripts, it can be easy to lose sight of yourself in moments of conflict or general dysregulation. When that happens, our thinking can become distorted or otherwise unmoored from reality in a way that may not serve you. Here, I refer to this as distortion. In this section, we try to identify how and when distortion occurs, and how we can anchor ourselves when we are overwhelmed by thoughts that feel like facts.

How does distortion about yourself/others often show up?

What is a common/frequent trigger for distortion?

What are steps you can take to identify distortions?

How can others help you? How can we help each other?

Summary of Questions

  1. Section 1: Cultural Scripts
  2. Section 2: Relational Scripts
  3. Section 3: Self-Policing Scripts
  4. Section 4: Self-Compassionate Re-scripting

Additional Resources

One thing to note is that the questions in the Tool are heavy. For some brains, the open-endedness of the questions may also be very uncomfortable. In this section, I want to provide some tools to help manage potentially uncomfortable situations. Note: This section will be updated as I come across meaningful resources.